A Buyer’s Guide to the Thrdgll Vest Pocket Wisdom Series

Investing in Gutenberg's Miracle in the Age of Pixels

For the past dozen years or so, without permission, I have been committing my interior monologues to the ages in the form of these illustrated essays, known in their serialized format as The Symptoms. These writings have appeared in newspapers, anthologies, and various online forums, all of these outlets coincidentally dying a quick death not long after my column’s publication. Because these appearances of my gentle musings have been fleeting, it seemed only sensible to collect them for easy access – one-stop shopping for those in need of literary inspiration on the go, as convenient as drive-thru tater wedges on the way to the AA meeting.

Hence, the Thrdgll Vest Pocket Wisdom series, wherein my comical memoirs and fevered revelations are bound in 4 x 7-inch paperback volumes, travel-sized booklets easily concealed in one’s cargo pants or jaunty shoulder holster. On those lonely nights in the Motel 6, adrift in life’s abysmal seas after yet another firing from Denny’s, you’ll find the words of comfort warming your internal fortitude even more than that sink full of Colt 45s.

But with five 100-page volumes to choose from, how do I know which book is right for me? Well naturally, the full set is your clearest path to enlightenment (and a collector’s sense of completest fulfilment), but where to begin your journey? Allow this handy buyer’s guide to … well, guide you.

Internal Combustion
Some of the earliest and some might say funniest writings, covering a variety of vital topics. Essays on obsolete technology, hypochondria, astrology, shopping techniques, hillbilly dining, haircuts I have known, Southern accents, a dead doctor, illicit drug use, wellness culture, and the finer points of vomiting. Features one of my personal favorites, in which I tackle the definition of coolness itself. (And let’s face it, I would know.)

A Black Belt in Quitting
The second volume – another smorgasbord of fascinating subjects, delivered with the patented Ashley pizzaz. Exploding cars, New Year’s resolutions, OCD cleaning, my personal history of violent acts, “the one that got away,” European football, nicotine withdrawal, running with scissors, Gen X angst, right-wing celebrities, experimental vinyl, and exploring the depths of my own stupidity. Also features my eulogy for my late dog, Petey, which is a clear favorite essay for many in the Thrdgll fan club. (I was told it was being used in a writing class as an example of a “perfect essay.” How about that, huh?)

Dorkness Visible
Volume three collects Symptoms essays concerning my personal struggles with nerd culture. Chronicles a lifetime of entanglements with GI Joe, The Incredible Hulk, Star Wars, Disney, and the rest of the toy aisle. Candy and soda addiction are also examined, as well as comic shop culture, nerd girls, comic book films, and cosplay. And did I mention Disney? I really don’t like Disney. You’ll be amazed that such a hate-filled book can radiate so much empathy and love.

An American Embarrassed
In 2020, I packed up my Kojak DVDs and moved to Germany, where I discovered that their version of T.J. Maxx is called T.K. Maxx. What kind of bizzarro world have I landed in? Vest Pocket volume four contrasts US and EU attitudes concerning cars, healthcare, guns, humor, material goods, bathroom habits, noise pollution, language, racism, and Coca-Cola. Also includes a thorough review of the EU’s greatest contribution to Western culture, the Eurovision Song Contest. For what it’s worth (ten bucks), it’s the most popular book in the series.

Oedipus, Gee
New for 2024! Special “identity crisis” edition! Coping with regular mid-life meltdowns for the past fifty years inspires essays on aging, generational dysmorphia, dead relatives, and the cultural downfall of America. And funny? You’ll die! No really, you’ll die, and so will everyone you know, as these hilarious observations on authoritarianism, doomed romance, extreme isolation, panhandling, and the elevation of kitsch make clear. Ready to get your Sartre on and laugh at the abyss? Then Oedipus, Gee is the book for you!


Remember, dear reader, even though I’m in Germany and you’re in one of those backward English-speaking countries, these books are printed and shipped in your domestic region, meaning the shipping charges are merely “Wendy’s value meal” expensive and not “triple bypass because of the Wendy’s value meal” expensive. So don’t let that be your excuse for not hopping on the Thrdgll bus with the rest of the groovy kids. You don’t want to be the only Melvin loping around with an unexpanded mind, do you?

Ordering is so easy it doesn’t seem legal.

I thank you, and your inner light thanks you.

A.H.